Dear Noah: Our story of family love + supporting trans kids
Earlier this year (2022), we said yes to participating in an NBC film project that would document the darkest and most challenging months of our lives. After its premiere at DOCNYC, it is now streaming on NBC News Now, on the Peacock app and on YouTube.
At the time, we were exploring the idea of moving our trans son to safety - away from the nasty Texas Republican transphobic rhetoric and the shocking possibility of a CPS investigation that would endanger our kids thanks to Abbott and Paxton’s decision to label best-practice gender affirming care as child abuse.
That film, Dear Noah: Pages from a Family Diary, was a difficult yes - I personally despise being in front of the camera even on my best days and appreciate the privacy of everyday family life in a cozy community.
Opening our home - messy teenager room and all - to the world meant exposing so much of ourselves and, most importantly, the difficult journey our beloved son walks as a trans kid that so many outside voices are wrongly trying to insert themselves in.
But this film was an important yes - the struggle we were (and still are) going through is not unique to our family. The public examples of love, joy and warmth surrounding trans kids are far too few - drowned out by the scary news headlines and the fear mongering of calculated political strategists.
As the family of a trans kid, we are boring, everyday people who inexplicably find ourselves square in center of the latest bullseye of hateful Republican politics. My goofy, sweet teenager who is simply trying to live his life finds his very body and right to exist turned into a political battleground for those who refuse to know him or walk next to him on his difficult path.
After a brutal 2021 Texas Legislative session attacking the rights of trans kids (including me testifying in front of a House Committee), the absolute depraved CPS investigations of loving families of trans kids as abusers and Texas Children’s Hospital kowtowing to political pressure and temporarily pausing gender affirming care, we have long passed the point where we felt we could remain silent.
Should trans families stay in dangerous red states to fight or leave to find peace?
This is an important question that I think about a few times a day—it was an agonizing decision for us and we know so many families who have chosen both options. And both options are absolutely the right option for the families who chose them. For me, it came down to this:
Quality of life - As a teenager with a brain and an iPhone, Noah was hyper-sensitive to how the transphobia in the Capitol hallways and on the news was impacting his relationships and feelings of security in everyday life. It weighed on us heavily, this uncertainty of who would be accepting and loving, where he could feel physically safe and when everything could shift beneath our feet once more. We only had a few more years together before college and I desperately wanted that time to be filled with normal teen fun stuff, not the burden of being bullied by power-hungry adults who should know better.
Consistent access to medical care - I have a lot of feelings about Texas Children’s Hospital pausing gender affirming care - leaving children (CHILDREN!!) shut out in the dark as their executives and legal teams were scrambling to cover their financial and legal behinds. Kids come first and the leadership of TCH did not put kids first - despite the valiant efforts of the remarkable physicians who were such exceptional partners to our family. Although TCH has since re-started this life-saving care, this response (with zero legal necessity) gave me a glimpse of how they will respond in 2023 and beyond - and I’m simply not going to put up with it. My child isn’t disposable and fuck you very much.
Support of a loving community - This was the hardest piece of the puzzle for us. Ignore who currently controls Texas politics at the moment, the state of Texas has an exceptional community of LGBTQ+ and trans family supporters and organizations. Through them, we have made the dearest friends who have marched next to us, cried with us and flooded our lives with messages, cookies and warm cups of tea on our saddest days. We are blessed by the trans and LGBTQ+ elders we befriended who survived decades of hell and show us a more hopeful future of support, acceptance and growth. We had this love in droves in Texas and, while we are building new connections here, we miss the close proximity of those wonderful humans dearly.
Ability to fight for what’s right - When we left Texas for a safer home in Colorado, my emotional well was completely dry. I was exhausted, a teary mess (watch ‘Dear Noah’ and play a drinking game with how many times you see me cry - yowzah) and just beat down. There’s decades more fighting that we need to do for the trans community and I knew that I needed to replenish that well to get fight-ready again. Regardless of where you have landed, self-care is so critical right now - especially as we stare into the void that is 2023 Texas Republican proposed bills. Buckle up.
Leaving Texas doesn’t mean we’re done fighting for the Texas trans community
There have been some great articles and video pieces written about ‘Dear Noah’ so far (see some links below), but none have been able to capture what happens after that final closing documentary shot. Our family made the decision to leave, but we also made the decision to keep up the fight for our friends and neighbors.
We are native Texans - we love our hometown of Houston - we are proud of who we are and where we come from. That doesn’t change simply because our zip code is different and we’re staring at the Rocky Mountains instead of the Piney Forest or Galveston shores. There are kids and adults who desperately need a more human-centric state government who prioritizes people over profit — and we continue to be VERY active in that fight.
In the end, we are all just humans who should be more focused on living our fullest lives, being kind and useful to our neighbors and loving on our family. I’d love to know what you think of ‘Dear Noah’ and, for allies and trans folks who need a little virtual fist bump or hug, my inbox is open. Love you.
Quick Summary:
Dear Noah is a documentary about one Texas trans family’s devastating decision to flee Republican hate
Many families in the US live in ‘stealth mode’ or privately grapple with decisions like this to keep their kids safe - we are just one example
The decision to stay and fight in a red state or flee for safety and peace is a near-impossible one to make
Resources:
My NBC OpEd: I fled transphobic Texas politics to save my son’s life
People Magazine: ‘Dear Noah’ Love Letter to Trans Teens
USA Today: ‘Dear Noah + Trans Awareness Week Films’
Newsweek: ‘Dear Noah’ and how transphobic legislation hurts trans families
Slate: ‘How Texas’ Attacks on Trans Kids Forced One Family to Flee the Home They Loved’
